NOTE: I woke up this past Monday morning, opened up my laptop ready to hit “Publish” on this post when I read about the tragedy in Las Vegas.  As I write this, there are 59 people who will never have a chance to write a blog with such a title. And so I was embarrassed to post it. But we, the living, are still in possession of this precious gift called life and we all have our own stories to live and share. And that is what we need to be doing. My prayer is that we live more fully and authentically than we have before, and that we draw nearer than ever to the Giver of life because He said in this world we will have trials and sorrows but we can take heart because He has overcome them all. (John 16:33) What follows is the text of my original post.

After surviving a life-threatening illness I can’t help but feel for people who’ve accomplished a major death-defying feat, or miraculously survived something incredible, and because of our media coverage, they get a microphone shoved in their face moments later and asked the question, “How do you feel?” If I’m honest I always expect the person say something profound, or hope to hear them offer life-inspiring words satisfying enough to match the experience they just endured. But what I know now is that they really can’t. Sure they may express initial emotions of gratitude and happiness, some may even have the wherewithal to say something pithy, but how do they feel? How has it changed them?  I don’t think they can answer that, because they don’t know yet. The proof is in the pudding, and they have barely begun to experience what their life is like on the “other side” of their ordeal.

That is where I am right now. After I got home from the hospital after surviving an acute, life-threatening case of Legionnaires, family and friends have all asked how do I feel this ordeal had changed me? I didn’t have an answer then except to say that I know I’ve been profoundly changed. I am only just now beginning to see and feel the effects on my life a genuine brush with death can have. So I will offer a few thoughts here.

Now it goes without saying (and why do we even have that expression since it is always followed by someone saying the very thing that goes without saying?) … anyway, it goes without saying that what I attempt to share in this post are my raw, initial thoughts and observations so far. They are nowhere near fully realized or complete; I am after all just at the beginning of life on this side of my illness. But I still want to write them down for myself if for anything, and if others get something out of them, then that’s even better.

Everyone has two lives. The second one begins when you realize that you only have one. 
– Steven Sotloff, an American freelance journalist killed by ISIS

MY BUCKET LIST IS GONE
We see in movies or hear stories how people face death and come out the other side wanting to try skydiving, climb Mt. Everest, or run the New York City Marathon.  I don’t feel a need to hurl myself out of a perfectly good airplane, or climb a huge mountain. And as for running? Please (eye-rolling emoji). My lungs are still very beat up, but that is not the reason I don’t wanna run any marathons. It’s simply that the things on my bucket list – and we all have some kind of list no matter how far it lies in the back of our minds – have faded to the point of unimportance as I feel a significant shift in my priorities.  I’ll give you two examples:

#1 – My entire family lives in the Bay Area – an hour’s drive away at most – and still I only see them at Thanksgiving & Christmas and an occasional wedding or baby shower.  Often I’ve thought, “Gosh, I’d really like to see my cousin Shannan more … ” and it would go no father than that. And it had gone no further than for the last umpteen years until I actually picked up the phone and called her (ok, I texted her so it was less of an awkward cold call). I told her I would be in the North Bay on Saturday and asked if she would be home (?). I had a great time as she took me on a tour of her house and her framed photos from the special times/events in her life I have never known about. I also loved “reading” through a camping catalog with her toddler as he excitedly pointed out every “backpack!” he saw. It was 95+ degrees in Petaluma that day and she had no AC, but it was one of the coolest afternoons I had this past summer.

#2 – When I planned my original road trip, Seattle and Portland were scheduled for the very end (as I was taking a northern route home). I had allotted time in these two cities for the things I wanted to see and do: Pike’s Place Market, the Space Needle, Powell’s Bookstore, Voodoo Donuts, and the list goes on and on. I will also share that I have lifelong friends in both these cities. Here is my true confession: seeing those dear friends was secondary to my list. I honestly felt that if I got to see them in addition to everything else, then it would simply be an “added bonus.”

Last month, as I had to revise the second half of my trip, Portland and Seattle came off the itinerary, mostly because due to my illness the second half of the trip would be truncated for time and because I was up against winter weather. But cutting those cities kept, for lack of a better term, haunting me. I could not let it go and not for anything I’d see at Pike’s Place or buy at Powell’s Books. I really wanted to see those dear friends. And so 6 days later I was boarding a flight to Portland and I rented a Turo car to drive to Seattle after. I can’t tell you how incredibly rich my trip was! My friends and I shared stories of our lives, crying and hugging our way through. I laughed so hard with my friends in Seattle that I swear I blew out any remaining Legionnaires cooties, and I left encouraged and excited about my future from the support and insight these dear friends gave me. And I did not see or do a single thing apart from spending time with them. Not. One. Thing. And it was the richest trip I’ve ever taken.

An old mentor of mine told me years ago, “Gretchen, at the end of the day, we are the only thing the Lord is getting out of this world.”  And she was right. God won’t take the beautiful trees or oceans, or all the gold in Fort Knox (even though I hear there isn’t any there anymore) He won’t get the Space Needle or a voodoo donut, nor will He get any of the scripts or creative projects I worked on for years. When this whole thing is over all He gets is people.. He created us, He loved us. He came back for us.. We are all He wants…. since the beginning and to the very end. So then – it goes without saying – what is important to God must be pretty darn important. Whereas before this was just a notion or a “should be so” in my mind, now it is a deep heartfelt truth in my life. I’ve been given this second lease on life, and at the end of the day, I will have done very little with this gift if I am not loving people and making them a priority.

So what about our bucket list, the to-do and to-see stuff in life? All that is the added bonus.

I WANT TO DO LESS NOT MORE
Right now – and for the next few months – my lungs still need a lot of healing. Moreover, the docs said it is normal for a Legionnaires patient to battle fatigue for at least 6 months after. So right now I am forced to make decisions about my time an energy. Every day I wake up in a new destination and know – because I research the snot out of every place I go – most all the things therein to see and do. But I can’t do them all – I have about 5 hours a day of sighting seeing in me. (over the summer I had even less mojo per day, so forgive me all you dear friends whom I didn’t get to see while I was home!). In addition to having limited mojo,  the time I have to spend on this trip is truncated as well. I was supposed to complete my trip around Labor Day, spend September at home with friends and family, and then go see some stuff in Europe during Oct-Nov. But again, foiled by Legionnaires (Salzburg and “The Sound of Music” trip will have to wait), I have taken a good hard look at some things on my itinerary and realized there are things on there and cities that I feel I should see or that people have told me I have to see but that honestly, I don’t really want to see. Because if I have limited time and limited energy, some things are not worth enough to me to spend it on.

While I am sad that I am limited, I am thankful for the training my current health provides. I am far more mindful of my time and my choices than I have ever been. I’m not as easily given to make choices based on other’s expectations of me or ones based on my own people-pleasing tendencies  I am far more authentic and honest about what I want and need to do, and I talk with God far more about things big or small than ever before. As a result, I find myself engaging and enjoying my life on a deeper level because one, I am more honest, more authentic about what I choose to spend my time on, and two, because the energy I spend is so precious that when I do spend it, I live it more fully because I wanna get my money’s worth.

My prayer now is when I am back to full health (and my drive and tendency for FOMO kicks back in), I pray that I remember this special season and its lesson therein. I want to do less but get more from life. Can you hear Robin Williams whispering behind you … “Carpe Diem”?

I WILL EAT MORE BLUE ICE CREAM
This summer I stayed one night in a hotel in Sausalito. It was late and hot, and while I am not a huge fan of ice cream, it seemed like the thing to have before going to bed. So I walked into the only ice cream shop that was still open (did you know that town closes up by 9pm?), and I soon found myself nose-to-freezer-glass looking at all the choices.  I had decided on the flavor vanilla cookie dough ice cream (it’s two treats in one!), and I looked up to catch the eye of guy behind the counter. When I did, I also caught a glimpse of a carton of bright blue ice cream in the next freezer over. I’m talking blue – the kind that turn your lips, tongue and teeth blue… for hours. Finally the guy came to me and I pointed and said cookie dough. Before he turned to get my cone, out of curiosity, I asked about the blue ice cream. “It’s called Cookie Monster,” he said. “It’s got like cookie chunks and cookie dough in it” How silly, I shrugged. The guy went to get my cone and grab a fresh scooper, and when he returned I was in front of the other freezer pointing at the Cookie Monster ice cream instead. And so I walked the few blocks back to my hotel licking away at my ice cream no doubt with lips and tongue a bright blue (and darned if I didn’t get a few amused smiles from the adults I passed by and who undoubtedly were jealous). The hotel’s front desk clerk loved my blue-toothy grin, too!

Sure, this wasn’t a life-changing thing to do, but it did briefly infuse some childlike whimsy into my soul for an evening. And if people hadn’t smiled or if they had thought me an obnoxiously immature weirdo, I wouldn’t have cared. I had fun. What’s more? If I’d chosen the plain cookie dough instead, I doubt I would even have remembered that night at all.  So now I have a fun memory to remind me to look for ways I can make life a little less serious and little more… blue.

HEAD-KNOWLEDGE HAS BECOME HEART-KNOWLEDGE
There are many things that I knew were true – either logically, scientifically, or experientially. What do I mean by experientially? Like gravity, I have fallen, and I therefore know and experience gravity to be true.  But I have also experienced what the scripture says is a peace that goes beyond our understanding, because in frightening and crazy times, I have experienced a peace that had no logical basis or explanation other than God. But there are plenty of things I know to be true, or believe to be true but still are only head-knowledge. After my brush with death, while there are things I don’t take for granted anymore, there are things I most definitely know through experience to be true.

I am mortal after all. Captain Obvious strikes again. But honestly? It took all this time to actually know this. What’s crazy is that I didn’t experience this while I was in the hospital, not even on the day I was sure I was going to die. Quick explanation: I wasn’t contemplating death or even eternal life. Honestly, I was using everything I had just to breathe, so the idea that I was gonna die was more of an unemotional matter-of-fact thought. It wasn’t until just one month ago when my doctor friend in Portland listened to my lungs. She said my lungs sounded “course” (translation: they were still pretty beat-up). For some reason, that was when it hit me. It had been over two months since my ordeal, and here was someone who wasn’t even there at the time (or even knew at the time I was sick) She could hear the proof that my lungs had been through the ringer, and there was medical evidence confirming that I almost died. That moment was when my mortality hit me.

I am not guaranteed tomorrow… fo’ real. This goes hand-in-hand with the previous thought. One day I was marching behind a Memorial Day parade with my friend and his family, and literally, just days later, a hospital staff nearly had me call my family to my bedside to say their good-byes. A few weeks before I returned to the road I spent a lovely evening with a great friend of mine. A few years ago she had been through breat cancer and some of the stuff that goes with it (mastectomy, reconstructions but thankfully no chemo/radiation) I was worried that as I shared about my experience it might sound like I was equating what I head been through with cancer and didn’t want to offend. She stopped me and said, “I wasn’t facing imminent death like you were. Mine would have been long and drawn out. I can only imagine what being fine one day and deathly ill a week later feels like.” Yeah, there are things out there that could take you out fast.

Breathing is a good thing I will never take breathing for granted again. EVER. When you’ve had to fight for every breath every minute of every day for several days, you don’t ever forget it (at least I hope I don’t). Now when I pray or say grace, the first words that come out of my mouth are “Thank You for the air in my lungs” and I mean it! I do not take such a simple thing like breathing, something I never used to think about, for granted any more. Which makes me not take walking or smelling for granted. It makes me have more compassion on those that do struggle with the basics. And I know on a gut level the stress people have who do struggle about such health concerns.  I have had a handful of PTSD moments this summer and a few even on this trip.  I usually have them when I watch someone on TV struggling to breathe, and the next thing I know I’m stressing and clammy and breathing hard (even a bit now as I recall). Sometimes I have nightmares about drowning or choking, and I wake up feeling like I can’t breathe. Whenever this happens ,I first check my pulse ox  (my sister bought me a battery-operated finger-grip pulse ox thing to monitor my lungs). It almost always confirms that my O2 level is safely above 90. And even though my mind knows my oxygen level and the machine confirms that my level is fine, my body is still freaking out struggling to breathe. So I am forced to sit quietly and breathe slowly and deeply.  And this works. And I’ve applied it to other stressful situations, too. This is something we’ve all heard about and been told to practice, but we don’t – at least I didn’t. It seemed dumb and a waste of time. But now I am forced to as I recover physically and mentally, and I hope it’s a habit that endures. Like Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” And while you’re being still, BREATHE.

Romans 8:28 is… TRUE!
Wait, again with the Bible? Yup! In there book of Romans is says,, “We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purposes for them.” I’ve encouraged myself through hard times with this,  had others encourage me as well as comfort me, and if I’m honest, sometimes it’s been used as a way to placate my anger at my situation or at the Lord. I’ve had many hardships and heartbreaks in my life – haven’t we all? And some have taken me time to see good come out of, and others? Well, let’s say the Lord and I are still wrestling about those.

This year – my mid-life gap year – was going to be full of travel and adventure, an independent single woman on a journey across the country (and Europe) as well as a journey of self-discovery. But then, I got sick, so sick I almost died. I had to come off the road, and for 3 months. Now I had to finish my trip but it has to be much shorter in length and I can only do half-days anyway because of my health. I have to nix Europe altogether, and all while there is no guarantee my lungs will heal back to 100%,. Greeeeeeat. But I can say today, without a shadow, a hint, a glint, of doubt that getting Legionnaires Disease has been a good thing for me. I am grateful to God for the Legionnaires and that each and every day I see the impact it is having on my daily choices, my outlook, and basically my life and soul (oh, is that all?) Moreover, I think that maybe, just maybe, I can borrow some of this hard-earned faith in this truth and apply it to those things that I still struggle to see God’s good in. Yeah, I think more than just maybe.

So, like I said, I am only beginning to experience life on the other side of almost dying, and while I can’t quite bring myself to say everybody should get deathly ill,  I can say that even though my sickness derailed my year and that I struggle every day with fatigue (and a little PTSD), the other side of almost dying feels a lot more like living than my life has ever felt before.

COMING UP: After this post, no more talk about nearly dying and thoughts about nearly dying. I will return to posting about my travel adventures.  
SPOILER: I just recently had an encounter with a snake – and no, it was not a Washington DC politician.